Instagram vs Reality +infertility

Let’s talk Instagram vs reality. And then let’s make it awkward and talk about infertility. 

Instagram pic I posted vs what was really happening

I am a firm believer that nothing wrong can ever happen to you on your birthday. It’s like the universe knows it’s your birthday and it bows down to you! So when I was 1 days late for my period I took a pregnancy test the morning of my birthday because hello universe it’s my birthday give me what I want. And it came back negative. I cried. I cried the whole day.

Fast forward to my birthday a year later and I am scheduled for my IUI. Yep an IUI on my birthday because nothing says party like being artificially insemenated 🎉

And now this birthday. 27 years old and I have a baby who turns 4 months today too! But I still remember. I still remember the sting, gut wrenching, heartache that came with each and every negative (and trust me there was a lot). 

Here are some things that helped me with my infertility journey. Now every journey is different and every person is different but this is what helped me 

1. I got in the best shape of my life. If my body couldn’t do what it was genetically designed to do, then I would test other limits and make it the best version it could be 
2. I read miracle stories. I loved reading other people’s infertility journeys and what worked for them 
3. I laughed my head off at peoples comments. I never took people’s ignorant comments to heart. I was SO GOOD at masking my pain and my infertility that I couldn’t blame them when they told me how selfish I was for spending so much time living in the islands instead of starting a family. Meh people are dumb, but it’s way more fun of laugh at those comments than spend anymore time crying on the bathroom floor over them 
4. I got medical assistance. If you’re wondering what your next step should be in your journey and you feel lost ... ask a doctor! Best yet ask a fertility doctor! They can help you so much more than a regular OBGYN and God put modern medicine on this earth for a reason. It didn’t matter how much faith I had.. we needed medical help and that’s totally okay
5. I cried and got mad. It’s okay to cry about infertility. It’s okay to cry every time that test slaps you in the face with a no. I also got mad. Like really mad! And I was mad with God and I let Him know it! I would talk, scream, cry, yell, and pour my soul out to the guy about how frustrated I was with Him. And that’s okay too- He’s there to listen to the good, bad, and ugly.

Now let’s turn the tables. Say someone just confides in you about their infertility.. what do you say? How do you act? Remember how everyone’s different? And every journey is different? I can’t tell you exactly what to say but I think I speak for most of us infertiles when I give this advice 

1. Just say sorry. 99% of the time we just want validation that what we are going through sucks
2. DO NOT give advice or tell us “it’s Gods timing” Trust me we have tried any advice you want to give and I guarantee every couple going through infertility has received revelation from God to try for that baby
3. If you really want to be supportive and I mean you are committed in this journey too- then ask us questions. We like to bi*** about infertility. Ask us about medications, injections, follicles, and everything else you’re curious about. If we confided in you - we are ready to talk about it 

So there it is.. what I did to help me survive my journey and some ideas of what to say to people when they let you know about their infertility journey. And if you’re out there struggling in silence like I was and you just need someone to listen or you want to know ANYTHING about treatments, doctors, or the works. Let’s talk. Nobody should suffer in silence. 

To the Girl with Baby on her Christmas List

To the girl with baby on her Christmas list this year...I know, I get it.

I know the feeling of thinking about giving your parents "I love grandma" onesie.

I know how badly you want to shock friends and family as you announce you will go from a family of 2 to 3.

I get what it's like having a stash of baby clothes in your closet, collecting dust now.

I get what its like dreading every family party, trying to avoid the question of when it will be your turn. To try and think of an excuse that will be acceptable.

I get what its like to wake up on Christmas morning and wonder if you will go through another one alone.

I know what its like to count down the days and realize "This could be... could be the year", that if everything lines up perfectly, you'll be giving your partner the ultimate gift this year.

I get what it's like to walk through the aisles on Black Friday and think about grabbing baby supplies because maybe one day you'll need it.. if you're lucky.

I get what it's like to get asked why. Why you don't have kids yet, and I get what's it's like to lie through your teeth.

I get what it's like to buy for each other, hoping it will fill the hole, and drown out the pain of no kid on Christmas.

I get what it's like to have a good life, but want something more.

I get what it's like to have Christmas hurt a little more than it should.

Blayke Lynnie's Birth Story

October 25, 2018 was the day. The day we would go from a family of 2 (plus the fur baby) to a family of 3 (still with a fur baby)!

I kept telling everyone I was going to go into labor early, I had absolutely no reason to think that, I just wanted her here early so I told everyone she would be early. I didn't quite expect her to listen or to come THIS early, but now that she's here and she's healthy and happy, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tuesday morning at 3:30a I woke up having to pee.. the usual pregnancy in the middle of the night, she kicked my bladder, oh my goodness I can't hold it, have to pee. Only this time when I got up I was already wet? A gush of fluid just came out of me. I thought she had just kicked my bladder extra hard and that I was becoming "too pregnant" to control my on bladder. I cleaned up the mess (and myself) and went back to sleep. All day that day I kept having random gushes of fluid come and go as though I was 84 and didn't know how to control my bladder. Totally embarrassed I finally told my husband so we could have a good laugh. Which we did. Then he left. He flew out to San Francisco the following morning and I had an important event so we just kept pushing the random gushing off and figured it was just another one of those weird pregnancy things.

Finally Wednesday night after lots of failed Googling what the hell could be leaking out of me I called my personal nurse. My sisters in nursing school so I just assume she knows everything. She told me it was possible to have some pre-membrane rupture something and that I should probably go to the hospital. Seeing how I was still without a husband and wasn't in any type of pain I figured I would just call my doctor the following morning and see what he suggested.

Sure enough Thursday morning/early afternoon rolled around and I called the doctor. Their reply was "Go to labor and delivery now, and pack your things". I called for Matthew who had just gotten back from San Francisco and told him to load the car seat as I proceeded to pour myself some cereal. "What are you doing!?" he asked as I started lolly gagging around and taking pictures of my baby bump. I replied that labor takes forever and I wasn't having any contractions so I was going to take my time and if this really was it I should take pics of the bump for time being.

Finally about 12p I got into the car and we headed off to labor and delivery. They ran some paper test to see if I was dripping amniotic fluid and it came back negative. I told the nurse the gushes come and go.. she very nicely told me that I was basically peeing my pants and just wasn't use to it. SO EMBARRASSING! I was so upset we waisted everyones time and was determined to not step foot back in that hospital until I was having the world's worst contractions. The nurse came in with the discharge papers when the worst thing happened.. my baby's heart rate had dropped.

After putting oxygen on me and repositioning myself her heart rate came back up and she was showing all the signs of a healthy and happy baby again. The nurse then informed me that we needed to stay another hour to make sure that didn't happen again. TWICE! Two more times her heart rate dropped down into the 70s. For the first time this entire pregnancy, I was scared.

The doctor was called and the decision was made to give baby a BPP test (Biophysical Profile). Basically a stress test. I went down for an ultra sound to find things were not good. Baby stopped moving. Her heart rate was great and her lungs were doing practice breaths, but baby did NOT want to move. That's when the rad tech discovered it... the bonus child.

The entire pregnancy I kept joking that our little miss was grounded because she kept digging into my hip, well don't worry she's not grounded anymore. It wasn't her at all! Located on my right ovary was a MASSIVE cyst! It weighed more than my baby! I've talked openly about our infertility journey, and we did IUI to get pregnant. The cyst appeared on my baseline ultrasound before we got pregnant so they thought it would just go away naturally... nope it grew with the baby!

I was sent back up to my room and told to wait for the doctor. Nurses came in to mentally prepare me for a C-section. I could care less about how she came into the world, I just needed my baby to be okay.

Doctor Jones came in and told me I had 2 options. 1. C-section to remove baby right now and the cyst as well. 2. Wait to see if labor happens and then be rushed back after to have the cyst removed surgically while praying the entire time the cyst would not burst and baby would be okay.  Then he followed up with "if you were my daughter I would chose number 1". I completely agreed and then he said "Great, call family now, you're having a baby within the hour"

Natural selfie you take before heading back to become parents

Naturally after a 4 min conversation with Grammy Jen the Scoffield clan was doing 90 on the freeway and I was heading back for surgery. As I stood up there came the gushing fluid I had for the past few days, confirmed, my water had been broke since Tuesday.

The proudest grandpa

I was told multiple times to prepare for pain and to lose control and feel my blood pressure drop... to which nothing happened. It's not that it wasn't painful, the anesthesia shot in my back hurt like hell, but not nearly as bad as they made it sound.

Getting ready!

Within 5 minutes I was asked "ready to have a baby?" and 3 seconds later I heard her screams. Coming in at 5lbs 1oz. The bonus child weighing 6lbs. I just sat in awe. Awe that she was mine, she was healthy, that she let me know she was ready to be here, and awe that everything happened so perfectly timed so we could get her here the safest way possible.

 The pure shock of being a mom and having the cutest baby

 First family of 3 picture

We are adjusting to this newborn life... kinda... 

Favorite Place I've Ever Lived

A while back someone asked me where my favorite place I've ever lived had been.. I didn't even hesitate to answer "Saratoga Springs, Utah". But why? After living on islands surrounded by warm water, or a city with such rich culture that I found something new everyday and my answer is Saratoga Springs?? But why??

Let's take it back. Back to when I lived on an island, I lived in a house I'll probably never be able to afford, didn't pay a single bill, worked a VERY good job with my husband. Fast forward today and I live in a decent size home, pay more bills than I thought someone could pay, and expecting a baby that I am 100% clueless about how to raise. And yet... I couldn't be happier. 

Saratoga Springs was the first place I actually lived. Over 2 years ago I moved from the Caribbean and to a big city. I still remember on the plane breaking down when I looked down and saw city lights and no cruise ships... I cried in seat 16A until we landed. I want to be very clear, I loved my island living, and my city living, and all the adventures that went along with it. BUT.. Saratoga Springs was the first place I didn't feel numb. If you read my last blog post, you know that I suffered from depression and anxiety pretty bad… but today, I'm good. And really good, not just have good days good, but everyday is a good day. 

I remember praying so hard for my depression to go away, I remember eating healthy, working out, and taking medication to try and get a sense of relief and no matter how hard I tired or how bad I wanted it, the cloud was still there. Then the craziest thing happened... I woke up one day, and it was gone. The thoughts were gone, the desire to live was there. I have no idea what happened, I have my theories, but the truth is it doesn't matter. I am living. I am happy. and I love Saratoga Spring, Utah!

So yes, if you ask me where my favorite place I’ve ever lived was, I’m going to answer right here. Here in this little town I now call mine, this home I get to bring a baby home to, and yes the home I pay A LOT of bills for. So to those of you out there struggling with anxiety and depression, I just want to let you know I’m sorry. Everyone is different so I’m not going to say I know what you’re going through, but just know I am sorry. I’m sorry for this exhausting, gut wrenching, lost hope, feeling you are going through. I pray one day you wake up… and start living. 

 ps look at the view form my house ↑

Pics of some the places we have lived ↓

Moving to the Caribbean won't solve your problems

This will most likely be the hardest blog I have ever wrote, but I keep coming back to it so I take that as a sign that these thoughts are not meant to be in my head anymore and its time to put them out on paper. 

I lived in the Caribbean for almost 2 years and I loved it. I love that every day off feels like a vacation, I love that I can island hop on a Saturday and be back by dinner , I love the culture, the atmosphere, and I love the people who make it feel like home. It is my home. Since I turned 18, living in in St. Thomas has been the longest place I have ever stayed. Yes there are some down falls for sure (refer to blog post 1), but theres something nobody sees.. and it’s time for me to address it. 

Living in the Caribbean won’t solve your problems. Since moving to an island I have developed anxiety and depression. WHAT!? How can someone look out every morning from a nice home that they don’t pay rent for, see one of the world’s top most beautiful beach, have a good paying job, a solid relationship, and yet their constantly anxious? I don’t know. If I understood it I would probably be writing some doctors my theories not this blog for some people to read. 

I laugh when people say that moving and being a beach bum would solve all their problems, it won’t. I tried. It has taken me about 9 months, 9 solid hard months to get a grip on my anxiety, and I am NOT saying it’s cured and I don’t have anymore problems, or that I am a doctor in ANY sense. I just have some little pieces of advice that I wish someone would have told me. And no… living in the Caribbean isn’t one of them. 

GET HELP. 

I use to view going to the doctor about anxiety, or being on medication was crazy. Like only crazy people do that right? I couldn’t have been more wrong. There is anxiety and depression medication out there for a reason… because people NEED it. And it’s OKAY to add your name to that list. When I finally went to a doctor to get help it was one the scariest things I could have ever done. I was worried she wouldn’t believe me or think I was crazy.. and guess what happened. She understood. She wrote me a prescription, recommended a therapist, and reassured me I was okay. I don’t take my medication every day, or really much at all.. BUT for me just the assurance that they are in my back pack and I could take them anytime I wanted is enough for me. FAIR WARNING anxiety medication can be highly addictive, I recommend letting someone you know, love, and trust hold on to your medication for you and give it to you when you ask, but that’s just my opinion. 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

Everyone gets anxious and sad, but that doesn’t mean they have anxiety or depression. Anxiety is when you wake up at 3 am and drive down to the store you manage because you can’t remember a specific SKU or when you get off work and just cry and break down about everything that could have gone better. I use to think I was just feeling anxious and couldn’t get a grip on things because something was wrong with me. I couldn’t get a grip on things because I was human. There are A LOT more people out there with both anxiety and depression. More than you probably realize, than I probably realize, you/we are not alone. I thought since I had such a good life, or wasn’t busy with kids, and lived in the Caribbean that I couldn’t get anxiety.. I wish someone would have told me that anxiety chooses their victims, regardless of your gender, status, race, or any other variable. People get anxiety and depression. 

DIET/HEALTHY EATING.

I hate dieting, actually hate isn’t a strong enough word… I completely LOATH ENTIRELY dieting, and thats because diets are so temporary. Every time I would attempt a diet I would post sticky notes on my mirror as a countdown for when my diet was over and I could start shoving my face with cookies while spooning Nutella in my mouth! My doctor was shocked when she asked how often I worked out and I answered 6 times a week every morning. Exercise is the number one recommend antidote for anxiety and depression… but it wasn’t enough for me. I would try to train harder, run faster, lift heavier, but nothing helped. Then I started “dieting” and I was NOT dieting, I was just actually eating from all the food groups and guess what… things got better. I thought more clearly, I had more energy, I started sleeping through the night. I personally did intermittent fasting and it worked WONDERS for me. It’s not for everyone, so do your research before you start anything. 

LISTEN.

I started listening to podcasts. If you don’t know what podcasts are then your life is about to get so much better. Podcasts are basically like articles, stories, motivation speeches, and everything in between read to you aloud. I stumbled across podcasts when I was research intermittent fasting and I found Chalene Johnson. I started listening to podcasts when I worked out in the morning (at first because it took less data than Pandora) and things changed. It was like getting a motivational speech every morning! These talks were backed by research, guest speakers, and some even came with jokes (bonus). I felt good. Listening to a story while I was at the beach was more relaxing to me than laying there thinking how hopeless life was and wondering why I wasn’t tackling my to do list. Did you know our brains are smart, but they’re not smart enough to multi task? I learned it from a podcast! Whenever I feel myself getting worried or sad I listen to a podcast, or read a book.. then my mind focuses in on what I am listening to or reading and the worries and sadness go away. 

I am NOT a doctor, like I didn’t even take medical classes in college so I am NOT saying these things are proven, I am just letting you know what I wish someone would have told me.I have good days, and I have bad days too. But for the first time in a long time I have hope. Hope that things are going to be okay, that I am okay.

The Caribbean won’t solve your problems, sand between your toes is just stand between your toes, its not an antidote. I have a good life. I am VERY blessed. But that doesn’t mean I am immune to anxiety and depression. No one is.. and if you are PLEASE let me know how.

3 things to know before you cruise!

If you are cruising to the Caribbean soon, or plan to, or dream of it, PLEASE take like 3 minutes tor read this blog! I have worked in the Caribbean for almost two years now and I wish someone would teach even a quarter of the tourist on those ships that come in some “tourist etiquette.” So if I can stop one of you many world travelers from looking like an idiot than my work will be done but until then… read on and get prepared.. 

Also this blog is kind of more like a rant... so first enjoy this picture... 

Ohhh ahhh nice huh... Okay keep reading

KNOW WHERE YOU ARE! I have said this before in previous blog posts, but honestly it kills me how so many people do not know where they are. I get it, you’re on vacation, unplugged from the world, may have taken the free rum shots as you exited the cruise ship, but that helps you forget the date not where you are. When I was working in Grand Cayman (an island owned by the UK) people would get SO UPSET with me when I told them we did not offer military discount… think about it for a minute. 

Living in the US Virgin Islands I thought would be easier and I was less likely to run into “stupid tourist” please pause and watch me face palm myself. U.S. as in UNITED STATES. And yet everyday someone asks me “What does your money look like” “Why do you talk so good” and my favorite… “I am from America, do you know where that is?” 

I am not saying you need to learn the islands history or how many square miles the island is just if you are in the US or not and exactly WHAT island you are on.. here’s a tip, your cruise itinerary will tell you. And if you honestly don't know, just ask, in a nice way "is this a US island?" see how much nicer that is than asking "what your money look like?"

WHAT DO I GET FOR BEING ON THE SHIP? ummm… high five? My least favorite question and almost anyone who works with cruise ships in the Caribbean I can guarantee you hates this question too. So you are on the cruise ship, congratulations, and thank you for visiting this beautiful island I would love to help you in any way but giving you a discount on $2 golf tees just isn’t something I want nor can do. I know you are on the ship, if the ship wasn’t here I wouldn’t be working. PLEASE stop feeling so entitled and privileged because you are visiting the island for a few hours and came in on a fancy boat. 

Instead ask, "was there a discount for the ships?" That's a normal question, and most stores offer VIP discounts for cruise guests (they're the same regardless of your ship), then we can tell you what coupons are available for you, rather than you just assuming you get a discount because 'you're on the ship.'

My last piece of advice is to NEVER I repeat NEVER INSULT THE LOCALS. They can and will make your stay hell if you insult them. NEVER tell them their island is dirty, it's their home and they will tell you that tourist made it dirty. Do not tell them of other islands that are prettier, nicer, or more fun to visit.. again its their home. Remember you are VISITING and most likely you are only visiting for a day.. so embrace the culture, learn what you can from them, and enjoy their spunky personalities. 

So there you have it my 3 top pieces of advice before you cruise to the Caribbean. I am not saying everywhere you go will be the same and again these are fully just my opinions! I just strongly recommend them! Until next time... 

XOXO

Learning patience on island time

Well hello wonderful people who took the time out of your crazy hectic schedule to read this blog... I am going to talk to you today abut something that I have the biggest love/hate relationship with... patience... and how island living can cure the worse cases of impatient people.

Some of you may have read my first post about some of the negatives of the island, number one being island time! Yes, it's still a thing and it will always be a thing.

BUT...

It's not always the worst thing in the world. In fact this island can take the most impatient people in the world and well change them. I am an example of that..

Ask anyone who knows me and they can confirm I am so impatient. Like I don't even let the microwave beep when my food is ready because by the time it gets down to 1 second the food is already in my hands, that's how impatient I am. This lesson, you know this whole patience is a virtue thing, took a LONG time to learn.. actually it took a whole year.

On May 9th last year something that happened that started a snowball effect of my learning of patience. I missed my flight. I remember the date because it was my one year anniversary and I was moving to the virgin islands.

I missed my connecting flight.. meaning I would spend 12 hours in the Miami airport. If you have ever been stuck in the Miami airport you would know... they don't offer free wifi.. well, they do.. but only for the first 30 minutes! Just enough time for you to get wrapped up in a Criminal Minds episode and right when sexy Morgan is about to save the day BAM $6.99 for another 30 minutes... so lame.
I had just stayed up all night being stuck in the middle of two large men on a red eye flight from SLC to Miami, I was tired, took a nap on the floor and woke up in gum.. my patience was shot...

BUT lets rewind.. to about 5 minutes before I had missed my connecting flight. We ran to our connecting gate only to watch the gate agent shut the door and as she was shutting the door she pointed to customer service so we could be put on a different flight.. the local who was waiting to go home to St. Thomas looked at me and said "sweet now we don't have to go to work tomorrow"

I was so confused, instead of being upset or aggravated (like me) she was relaxed, calm, cool, and collected. I guess she could tell by my confused look because she laughed and said "sweetie, it happened there aint nothing we can do about it, might as well just relax"

That's when it all started. 

Being on island time for a year has changed me. Nobody on this island is in a hurry so why should you be? and if you are why? Whatever is meant to get done will get done, and time doesn't exist here so ya might as well not stress over it.

If you ever come to the Caribbean don't try to rush the locals, you can't change the culture.. and quite frankly you should take home some of the island vibe with you. If something happens to screw up your schedule RELAX. Be patient. There is nothing you can do to change it so why spend time complaining about it?

If the people around you aren't in a hurry.. then why should you be? Just think.. Will it change anything to worry or complain or yell at the person who made you late? What would the Caribbean locals do??

So next time you schedule gets messed up and you get stuck somewhere... enjoy it. Relax and take some time to enjoy alone time with yourself or enjoy the company of those around you because "Sweetie it happened there aint nothing we can do about it, might as well just relax."